Another friend passed away. The funeral is today and I can not bring myself to attend. I am truly heartbroken for his family and they will have my prayers and meditations. I do not do well with funerals and have lost too many people to overdose.
I had been in the hospital not long ago. In all honesty I have been several times. What was it that I sought to escape thru these near death escapades? Have I confronted my demons? Have I faced down my fears? I am not quite sure. I do know that I no longer feel the need to numb myself.
I think of what must have been going thru this mans mind. I can feel the hopelessness and desperation. Devoid of any sense of relief. Grasping onto slippery surfaces in hopes of rescue.
For myself that rescue did not come as I thought it would. I found myself alone. Although I had many people who loved me it was not the kind of love I had sought. In the end I did not love myself. I could no longer love another. I was existing and had abandoned living.
I weep for the woman I was. So needy and scared. Feeling as if no one could understand the pain of my broken heart, my broken spirit. Reminiscent of the woman I had been. Knowing that she was once again lost to herself.
I no longer step thru the dark. I do not know how or where I found the courage to move thru my own personal hell. I do know that I was afraid. A times wanting to pull my legs to my chest and sob. There were days when I did just that.
I don’t know what was going thru his mind before he slipped away. I can only imagine. Remember what I had felt. I may be way off. Who knows maybe he just liked to party and did more than his body could handle. Either way this serves as a reminder. A reminder of the consequences.
I can not see myself becoming as I had been. What I can see is the progression of the insanity. The downward spiral. I no longer analyze or ask questions.
Today I meet myself exactly where I am in this moment. I work with generosity, discipline, patience, exertion and meditation to move beyond aversion and attachment. I know that each has the ability to propel me thru my fear of letting go.
