Awesome Vagina's Blog

I am able to see things for what they are.  The iridescent fog is beginning to burn off in the dawn.  As much as I don’t want it to go it does.  It always has. 

I know I am growing because I am not bent out of shape with the change.  I see it for what it is, a change.  It is neither good nor bad but the ebb and flow of life.  I am able to let go.  I can accept.  I no longer chose to suffer.  It finally makes sense.

I thought I would be hurt.  Yet I feel empowered. 

Life does unfold itself at the queerest moments.  Thru moments such as these I find myself grateful.

There are so many things I feel.  Things I find myself incapable of expressing.  Transforming from thought to sound.  Out of fear.  Out of embarrassment.  Out of the incapabilities that I acquire.  Out of never taking stage to such an audience.  I find myself struck.  Paralyzed in the presence of the one I adore.  The one I have aloud the power to hurt  with only a glance.  That is all it would take. 

 Are you aware of how my heart plays for you.  The way my mind tricks me into believing that you are exactly what I need.  All that I need.  Do you?  Perhaps.  Perhaps you care for this as the gift that it is.  Knowing without possessing.  Are you oblivious?  No, I should say not. 

I love you. 

I can taste you on my lips as the sound echos though my mind.  Stirs in my stomach and escapes though the breath that is your name.

My thoughts of you are still unsettled.

Your broken image a bit disheveled.

And yet you linger longingly, dancing thru my mind.

Are you what you seem to be?

So far away and fancy free.

Close at heart, yet out of reach.

And yet you linger longingly, dancing thru my mind..

You know that you entrance me with your hypnotizing stare.

With simple recognitions you show me that you care.

I close my eyes to caution; in the darkness you appear.

Replaying the scenarios of times when you were near.

Although I want to pull back, I still feel myself drifting.

Caught up in the current and yet I’m not unwilling.

Did you belive the fairytail to be true?

Like many shards of broken glass reflecting the surreal.

Tricks tricky.  My magician.

Like a rabit pulled thru a hat.

I became the slight of hand.

I have been neglecting myself!  I am sorry self.  You will receive an indulgent bubble bath this evening. Yes, we will even light the candles!

Self, I am going to treat your pretty twinkle toes to a magnificent manicure.  Lathering luxurious lotion upon you.  You deserve it , I know.

 Mmmm, chai?  Okay, done!

Now onto some writing.

Lately I have been enjoying more mental freedom.  My mind is much more expansive then it had been.  I was judgemental and narrow-minded and critical.  I experience more contentment and I don’t have that obsessive thinking or cling to things like I used to.  Things roll off my back now in ways they didn’t before my practice.

I don’t think whether I should tell the truth; there’s no choice.  And I allow other people in my life the freedom to be exactly as they want to be.  Even though we know it isn’t effective, we often try to talk people into what we think they should be doing.  Thats a prison.

I would think, “When X happen’s I’ll be happy.”  When, when, when.  I can’t live my life that way.  Things can change at any moment.  Why not be happy NOW?  My practice has helped me to go through really challenging times with grace and ease.  I can say, “Okay, thing’s are hard right now, but everything changes.”  I savor the good times and don’t get bent out of shape with the changes.

I just ride the wave. 

It’s so much less stressful!

So much going on around me. 

Another storm.

My minds tide pulling me away from you.

Your eyes like diamonds.

Your lips bear the taste of fine wine.

Another friend passed away.  The funeral is today and I can not bring myself to attend.  I am truly heartbroken for his family and they will have  my prayers and meditations.  I do not do well with funerals and have lost too many people to overdose.

I had been in the hospital not long ago.  In all honesty I have been several times.  What was it that I sought to escape thru these near death escapades?  Have I confronted my demons?  Have I faced down my fears?  I am not quite sure.  I do know that I no longer feel the need to numb myself. 

I think of what must have been going thru this mans mind.  I can feel the hopelessness and desperation.  Devoid of any sense of relief.  Grasping onto slippery surfaces in hopes of rescue.

For myself that rescue did not come as I thought it would.  I found myself alone.  Although I had many people who loved me it was not the kind of love I had sought.  In the end I did not love myself.  I could no longer love another.  I was existing and had abandoned  living.

I weep for the woman I was.  So needy and scared.  Feeling as if no one could understand the pain of my broken heart, my broken spirit.  Reminiscent of the woman I had been.  Knowing that she was once again lost to herself. 

I no longer step thru the dark.  I do not know how or where I found the courage to move thru my own personal hell.  I do know that I was afraid.  A times wanting to pull my legs to my chest and sob.  There were days when I did just that.

I don’t know what was going thru his mind before he slipped away. I can only imagine.  Remember what I had felt.  I may be way off.  Who knows maybe he just liked to party and did more than his body could handle.  Either way this serves as a reminder.  A reminder of the consequences.

I can not see myself becoming as I had been.  What I can see is the progression of the insanity.  The downward spiral.  I no longer analyze or ask questions. 

Today I meet myself exactly where I am in this moment.  I work with generosity, discipline, patience, exertion and meditation to move beyond aversion and attachment.  I know that each has the ability to propel me thru my fear of letting go.

As I awake each morning, this morning in particular, I remind myself to keep my heart open, to remain curious, no matter how difficult things may get.

Last night as I lay myself to rest I began to review my day.  I noticed that the whole day had gone by and I’d never once remembered to do what I had aspired to do that very morning.

I choose to use this as an opportunity to get to know myself better. 

I use it to see all the funny ways in which I trick myself.  All the ways in which I am so good at zoning out and shutting down.

I found this difficult to do at the beginning of my practice.  It kind of felt like a set up for failure.  Now I use it to generate a kind heart toward myself. 

Although reflecting over my days events can be painful for me at times, I end up respecting myself more.

There are many changes in the weather of my day.  I am never just one way or the other. 

The more I am willing to open up my heart, the more challenges come along.

Now-that’s the key.

Mindfulness trains us to be awake and alive and fully curious about now.

The out breath is now.

The in breath is now.

Waking up from our fantasies is now.

Even the fantasies are now.

The more I am completely in the now, the more I realize that I’m standing in the middle of a sacred circle.

It’s no small affair, whether your brushing your teeth, walking your dog, or wiping your bottom.

Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it now.